What a tangled web we weave

You may have heard of the recent saga surrounding a family that consists of a very famous ex-footballer and an equally famous former popstar. If you haven’t, then their son exposed them as allegedly being controlling with the family and performative. His mom also allegedly stole his wife's first dance at their wedding. Her son later described this “first wedding dance”, stating that his mom “danced very inappropriately on me in front of everyone. I've never felt more uncomfortable or humiliated in my entire life”.

This revelation is the latest in this family feud. There have been allegations of the parents trying to ruin his marriage, them being behind the bad press his wife receives, including the narrative of her being controlling and his parents causing his long term anxiety which only went when he cut ties with his family.

Wow! All this sounds a lot but isn’t restricted to the rich and famous. Unfortunately a lot of everyday families are also like this and it has a name. It is called enmeshment and these are enmeshed families.

Enmeshment

What is enmeshment? It happens when there is a lack of boundaries. This can be a lack of emotional or physical boundaries. Enmeshment causes confusion around roles and expectations. Where there is enmeshment, there are people who are fused together emotionally in an unhealthy way. It is nice to be close to people but enmeshed people are too close. 

Enmeshment doesn’t just happen in families, it can happen in relationships and friendships. 

Enmeshment seems to arise from a need for control from the person or people at the top of the relationship hierarchy and the culture is filtered down the group. This could be the parent in the immediate family, the dominant members of an extended family or the dominant friend in a friendship or a spouse in a relationship. 

Ok, lets start with enmeshed families. 

Enmeshed families

Psychotherapist Sharon Martin says that in enmeshed families loyalty and being emotionally close is seen as way more important than self direction and independence. The parent or parents rely on the children for emotional support. This can be because of loneliness, insecurity, addiction or mental health issues. As a result the child or children become their parent/s unofficial therapist, they are allocated the role of their parent’s best friend and are limited in having other friends. They are responsible for their parents' happiness. 

In these types of dysfunctional families parents struggle to give their adult children independence. They will call their children throughout the day and expect immediate response. If they don’t get this then they will either start demanding it or guilt trip you into a response.

This doesn’t just happen in immediate families like in a parent/child dynamic. It can also be in extended families. 

It’s the extended families where everyone has to go on holiday together every year and when I say everyone I mean EVERYONE. I'm talking parents, children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses. If one person dares to say actually I think this year me, my partner and the kids will go to Greece alone. Oh boy! All hell will break loose! 

It’s those extended families where everyone has to spend Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Eid, Diwali, or whichever festival they celebrate together, even if they don’t like each other that much. Again, if any family member says I think this year I’ll spend it with my in-laws or they just want to have a quiet one in their own house with their spouse and children. Then cue the outrage from certain dominant members of the family and the compulsory family group chat anger. 

It’s those extended families that are constantly involved in other adult family members' drama that doesn’t concern them. If you know these types of families or maybe you are in a family like this, they are enmeshed extended families.

Signs

According to Sharon Martin, LCSW. Here are some signs that you are in an enmeshed family: 

• There's a lack of emotional and physical boundaries.

• You don’t think about what's best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others.

• You feel responsible for other people's happiness and wellbeing.

• You’re guilted or shamed if you want less contact. Such as, you want to spend a holiday without your parents. Or you make a choice that's good for you (such as you move across the country for a great job opportunity).

• Your parents self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments.

• Your parents want to know everything about your life.

• Your parents' lives center around yours.

• Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas about what you should be doing.

• Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, confused roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information.

• You feel like you have to meet your parents expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve.

• You try to avoid conflicts and don’t know how to say no.

• You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's feelings and you feel like you need to fix other people's problems.

Enmeshed family in the Bible

An example of an enmeshed family in the Bible is the family of  Isaac, Rebekah, Jacob and Esau. It resulted in Esau losing his identity and blessing. 

Rebekah and Isaac had twins Jacob and Esau. Rebekah clearly had a favourite child who was Jacob and Issac’s favourite child was Esau. Issac and Esau’s bond was based on Esau meeting Isaac's needs. This was through Esau having the same interests as Issac and by making Isaac feel good by eating his food. It was like performance based love. This led to Issac planning to only give Esau his blessings.

Esau married Canaanite women which made his parents miserable, this could’ve been because they thought he could’ve married better.

On the other hand Rebekah was in an enmeshment with Jacob. Jacob was dependent on Rebekah, preferring to stay at home with her. Rebekah ignored her husband's plan to bless Esau because Esau wasn’t meeting her standards. As a result, she manipulated Jacob into stealing Esau’s blessing. Jacob didn’t think for himself and followed her plan blindly. The plan worked but devastated her husband, Isaac and led to Esau planning to kill Jacob. 

Rather than admit the part that she played in the mess, Rebekah simply decided Jacob had to leave the home and area because she couldn’t risk losing both sons! Even though she caused the potential murderous fight! 

Even after the damage she played a part in causing, Rebekah still ignored boundaries and set demands on who Jacob couldn’t marry. She was dramatic with the demand too, saying she would rather die than see Jacob marry that type of woman. It was always about Rebekah’s needs. 

You can read about this family  here

Enmeshed relationships

Growing up in an enmeshed family can lead people to end up in enmeshed relationships because that type of unhealthy behaviour is all they know. 

Others can end up in an enmeshed relationship because they are people pleasers. Their need to please leads to them becoming enmeshed to their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. 

Whichever way someone ends up in an enmeshed relationship, it links back to a lack of healthy boundaries.

According to PsychCentral these are some signs that you in an enmeshed relationship:

• You don’t feel in touch with your feelings because you’re concentrating on the other person’s needs.

• You believe it’s your responsibility to save, protect, or serve the person, or they are making feel that it’s your responsibility*.

• You’re giving up healthy hobbies or interests to adapt to their lifestyle or expectations.

• Your relationship determines your happiness, self-esteem, or sense of self.

• You experience the other person’s emotions as if they were your own.

• You’re replacing other relationships with your partner’s.

• You suppress your own feelings to avoid disagreement or conflict.

• You feel anxious or scared if there’s conflict and do whatever you can to resolve it.

• You can’t make a decision without your partner’s approval, or when you make an independent decision, you face backlash, guilt, or shame.

• You feel uncomfortable spending time away from your partner.

• There’s a lack of privacy between you and them.

  
  

You will see that I’ve put a * next to the second point. If you have been regularly reading this blog then you will know that as much as I really value psychology and social science, my lens is also from a biblical perspective. So I’m going to give some biblical perspective on the second point in the list. 

*Now the ladies that are reading, lets have a woman to woman conversation for a minute. Regarding the second point in the list, ladies it is not your job to protect your spouse. It is God's job to do this and it is your husband's job to lead and protect you and your children, if you have any. All Godly men have to do this. 

“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior”- Ephesians 5:23

It's also certainly not anyone's responsibility to serve their partner. Jesus said out of his own mouth that we only serve God.

Now the Bible does mention women submitting to their husbands, which means respecting your husbands point of view and trusting his decision as a leader, while still being able to give your point of view to him. However, and this is important, you only do it if your husband is constantly showing you love and respect. This is what the Bible says:

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. [...] In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” - Ephesians 5:22, 28-29

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them”.- Colossians 3:19

Also, ladies these Bible verses apply to married couples ONLY. If your man won't marry you then in God's eyes you have no reason to be submitting to your boyfriend because he is not your husband, no matter how long you’ve been together. So when your boyfriend starts telling you to submit to him you can tell him your Lord said you don't have to until he shows you enough respect to marry you. 

Biblical example of an enmeshed relationship 

The relationship of Samson and Delilah was a whole mess of a toxic relationship made up of trauma bonding, narcissism and enmeshment. For this post we'll focus on enmeshment. 

I’m sure that you are aware of Samson and Delilah. Samson was very strong with long hair and he fell in love with a woman called Delilah. Delilah was bribed with silver by the Philistines to find out where Samson got his strength from. So she used her emotional manipulation to find out. 

Delilah totally disregarded Samson’s boundaries and used emotional coercion and relentless persistence to break down his boundaries. However even though Samson knew what she was up to because he would repeatedly tell her the wrong information, he was so enmeshed with her that he would return to her even though he knew she had repeatedly betrayed him. 

“Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.” - Judges 16:15-16

We all know how this enmeshment ended, Delilah eventually got the information she wanted from Samson, betrayed him, he lost his strength, was blinded and imprisoned. 

You can read about Samson and Delilah here.

Enmeshed friends

Now on to friends. Friends can be a great addition to our lives. However, the wrong friends can hinder us. Enmeshed friendships can do this. 

Have you ever seen some friends and thought something isn’t quite right in their dynamic or maybe you have had this thought sometimes about your friendship group. 

Here are some signs that you are in an enmeshed friendship:

• You can’t tell where one friend's thoughts, feelings and needs end and the other’s begin. If one is upset the other is upset, regardless of what the issue is. This is a lack of boundaries.

• There is an over dependence of the friendship. There is a constant need for validation and communication and seeing each other.

• If one friend wants some independence, the other friend displays high anxiety or guilt tripping. 

• One friend prioritises their friend’s needs over their own. This includes giving up personal goals, interests or other friendships. 

• One is the “giver” and the other is the “taker”.

Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT and therapist, expands on this and gives the following list:

• One person always needs rescuing.

• One friend spends a lot of time trying to fix the other friend's problems.

• One friend often feels depleted after hanging out.

• You often put your friend's needs before your own, or vice versa.

• If one person is upset, the other person is too.

• It's hard to assert individual choices or opinions in the friendship.

• One or both people rely on the friendship.

• One friend feels jealous if the other person gets close to someone else.

Enmeshed friendship in the Bible

An example of a friendship in the Bible, that could be classed as enmeshed, is the friendship of Jonadab and Amnon. This friendship is based on codependency leading to the enabling of evil behaviour. 

Amnon was King David’s Son and he had an obsession with his half-sister Tamar. Jonadab was Amnon’s manipulative friend, the Bible calls him “crafty”. When Amnon was whining to him about his forbidden one-sided love for his sister Tamar, Jonadab put a detailed plan to Amnon about how Amnon could rape Tamar. Amnon agreed to this without batting an eyelid. 

Amnon’s and Jonadab enmeshment to each other, made them loyal to fault. Their loyalty was enabling. There was no constructive criticism to help each other live in a Godly way. Instead Jonadab acted in Amnon’s interests rather than an innocent woman's. 

Jonadab’s only motive was fulfilling Amnon’s desire, of being with his sister, as well as fulfilling his own evil desire of knowing his evil plan happened. 

Amnon’s motive was to please himself through evil behaviour and please his friend by completing his devilish plan. 

They are so intertwined and enmeshed it hard to see the independent choices or view points in this situation. 

You can read more about Amnon, Jonadab and Tamar here.

Issues with enmeshment

According to Sharon Martin, a licensed psychotherapist, enmeshment in families causes the following issues: 

• Parentification: Children take on adult responsibilities they aren’t prepared for. They feel responsible for their parents’ wellbeing, miss out on typical childhood experiences, and often become people pleasers, perfectionists, or workaholics.

• Lack of individuality: Adult children function as extensions of their parents, suppressing their own thoughts and feelings to meet family expectations.

• Fear of separation: Family members may feel unable to function alone, becoming anxious or depressed when apart.

• Guilt: Adult children may feel guilty or anxious when they make independent choices or spend time away from their parents.

• Controlling behaviour: Family members interfere in each other’s decisions and relationships.

• Communication problems: Honest conversations are avoided and conflict is suppressed.

• Difficulty setting boundaries: Enmeshed families often view boundaries as unnecessary or threatening. Adult children often feel guilty when setting them, leading them to overextend themselves or allow intrusive behaviour. Without boundaries to protect your time, privacy, and emotional well-being, it becomes impossible to live your own life.

• Problems in romantic relationships. Enmeshed adults may prioritise their parents over their partners, which can strain the partnership and lead to resentment. Alternatively, they may develop an unhealthy dependence on their partners.

These issues such as a lack of individuality, guilt, controlling behaviour, communication problems and difficulty setting boundaries can also happen in enmeshed relationships and friendships.

Enmeshment isn’t biblical

God doesn’t want us to be the victim of enmeshment. He doesn’t want us to lose our identity, that he created, by taking on someone else's personality. God said in Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. 

Also, God doesn’t want adults to idolise other people and rely on them for everything, like enmeshment does. He wants us to do that with Him only.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” - Proverbs 3:5-6

“You must worship the Lord your God and serve only him”- Matthew 4:10

God doesn’t want us to be the perpetrator of enmeshment because He doesn’t want us to play God by trying to control people. The Lord wants families to live in unity: 

“How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” - Psalm 133:1 

Enmeshment in families doesn’t make sense because God didn’t design families so the parents get to decide how their adult children spend their time or how they live their lives, especially if their adult children have their own families. This is why God said:

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” - Genesis 2:24 

The key words here are “leaves” and “united”. This doesn’t mean that parents will never see their adult children again, However, it does mean that the adult child is embarking on the next stage on their life, where their spouse is priority and as a result healthy boundaries are put in place between the adult child and their parents to stop co-dependency. For example, a co-dependency between a mom and son. 

Enmeshment in friendships will only end badly because someone will lose out, feel anxious about the intensity or feel resentful. A healthy friendship that God wants us to have is based on both friends helping each other, rather than the friendship being based around a giver and a taker. The Bible says: 

 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” - Proverbs 27:17 

“Do to others as you would have them do to you” - Luke 6:31

In some circumstances, if the dominant friend is manipulative and deceitful, an enmeshed friendship can lead to sinful behaviour, hurt or trauma. God warns about these types of friends:

“Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character” - 1 Corinthians 15:33

Enmeshed romantic relationships may start off as exciting because of the intensity of it but it will soon bring anxiety and a loss of identity. A healthy relationship shouldn’t involve not being able to express your true opinion, or becoming a copy of your partner to keep the peace and it certainly doesn’t bring on anxiety. The Bible says this is what healthy love is:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

God wants us to have boundaries

Finally the issue with all enmeshed relationships, whether family, romantic relationships or friends is a lack of healthy boundaries. The Bible is full of instruction about having healthy boundaries. Here are some: 

“Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil” - Matthew 5:37 

“As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him” - Titus 3:10

“For each will have to bear his own load” - Galatians 6:5 

Also, if Jesus had clear healthy boundaries and regularly used them, as documented in the Bible, then so can you. Especially when it comes to ending the complicated, dramatic and at times traumatic enmeshment you can have with people in our lives.