Be intentional, not transactional

I heard that in the USA there used to be an announcement that came on TV at night that said something along the lines of “it’s 10pm, do you know where your kids are”. I think it was to remind parents that their children should be home from playing out by 10pm. 

I’m an 80s baby, 90s kid from the UK, so hearing about this made me think about my childhood and the friends I made by playing out. There would be a knock on the door, then I’d hear little familiar voices asking my mom if I could come out to play. Then it would be a full day of fun whether that was riding our bikes or roller blading around the council estate, to being amateur gymnasts on the rusty bars on the estate’s play area that had seen better days, to playing British bull dog. I would only go back inside for dinner. If it was summer and still bright outside, then I was allowed back out, until I heard the recognisable voice of my mom, shouting my name from the balcony to come home because my bath was ready. 

This was the reality for me and my friends, which is very different to how the majority of children today play with their friends. Now my husband or I have to organise a playdate with our friends so our kids can play together. Very different from the 80’s and 90’s!

When I think back to my childhood days of playing out, the one thing that stands out to me is the intentions of my friends when they knocked my door and my intention when I knocked their doors. The intention was to enjoy their company and have fun with them. That was it! It wasn’t to get something from them. Unfortunately there is a rise in society of friendships not being intentional but becoming more transactional. 

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31)

Transactional friendships

Many “friendships” are now formed based on what the person can do for them, rather than a two way friendship based on genuine care, respect and love for the person. 

People now only contact people when they need the following from them:

• Something practical, like borrowing an item from you or asking you to complete a task for them.

• Something emotive, for example they have broken up with their boyfriend, so they want you to drop everything to be their emotional pillow as they process their heartbreak but as soon as they meet their next boyfriend they are nowhere to be seen.

• Something spiritual, like your prayers for them because something has happened to them, especially if you are spiritually gifted. However, they never ask if they can pray for you. 

• They want your advice on the current drama they have in their life, or they want career help.

You might be thinking that this isn’t transactional, this is what friends do, they help you. The key thing that makes a friendship transactional and in essence a fake friendship is that this is the only time you hear from them. Once they complete the “transaction” you don’t hear from them until the next “transaction” and they certainly don’t care about anything you are going through. For them to care about what you are going through, good or bad, would require them to actually ask you, which they don’t.

Take a moment and think about the people in your life and honestly say to yourself if you have “friends” who are transactional with you. Then be even more honest with yourself and think about if you are a transactional “friend” to people in your life. 

"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24)

True friends

People who know me know that my frame of reference and guidance in life comes from the Bible and I’m totally unapologetic about it. So if you ask me for advice I'm going to bring Christ and the Bible into it at some point… so you have been warned. I wasn’t always this way as I wasn’t always in Christ. When I was in the world, not following Christ, my frame of reference was what I thought was best or self help books (which are all taking ideas from the Bible and giving them trendy new names!). Now I’ve found Christ, I use the world's best self help book, the Bible, to help me navigate areas of my life, including my friendships. 

A type of friendship that we can aspire to have is one like David and Jonathan. Their friendship is in the Bible and is one of loyalty, respect and brotherly love for each other. They genuinely looked out for each other. They agreed that Jonathan would be David’s second in command when he reigned and that David would project Jonathan’s family. Jonathan defended David against his father, Saul, when he wanted him dead.

There was no jealousy, Jonathan accepted God’s will for David to King, meaning that Jonathan wouldn’t be king like his father. 

They had a bond and they weren’t afraid to show their emotions with each other when they cried together. David held his promise to look after Jonathan’s family which he did after Jonathan died. 

Their friendship wasn’t a one sided transactional relationship, they genuinely cared for each other, it was a true friendship.

“As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Samuel 18:1)

What Jesus said about friendship

Jesus had views on how we need to approach friendship. Jesus said:

“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13)

And 

“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me” (John 15:15)

Jesus is saying that friendships can’t be one-sided, both people have to be willing to be fully there for each other, through the good and bad times. They should be able to confide with each other and show vulnerability without their friend gossiping about it with others. None of this is screaming transactional friendships that are now common.

In fact the person who used Jesus like a transactional friend was Judas Iscariot. This was because he wanted to use Jesus’s gifts to make money so he could steal it and we know it didn’t end well for Judas.

How to be a good intentional friend

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Proverbs 17:17)

1. Reach out

I know at the moment it is trendy to say you have low maintenance friendships. I get it people can be busy working, raising children etc. However the low maintenance friendship idea, in my opinion, is sometimes used by people to justify the transactional nature of the friendship. 

Lets use this example, you go for months or years without communicating with the person and then you meet up. The meet up is usually in a restaurant that either you feel like going to again or a new one that one of you wants to try. When you meet, at least one of the following happens:

• You get to try the menu that one of you has been thinking about.

• You get the six month/ one year update on each other's lives.

• You get something from them or they get something from you (see my transactions list in the transactional friends section).

You then say this is great, we should do it again and then it doesn’t happen for another six months at least and there is little or no communication in between. 

There is no depth to this kind of friendship, the only thing that’s happened is at least one transaction has taken place. 

Low maintenance friends aren’t going to be there when you are at your lowest and you have nothing to offer them but you just need someone to be there for you and you can return the favour to them in the future. This is why it is important to reach out to your friends regularly, just to see how they are and not just twice a year to arrange that meal out.

2. Speak regularly, not just when you want something

This leads nicely on to the next point, speak to each other regularly and not just when you need something. Messaging is fine but also try to make time to speak to each other on the phone, video call or in-person. This is when you can pick up on if things aren’t going so well for them. You can also be part of their journey of a successful season for them and share in their joy. 

It also allows you to strengthen your friendship by getting to know each other on a deeper level, you are finding out about how their day went, their interests etc. This is because you have to listen to each other, it can’t all be about the transactional friend which can happen when it’s just messaging as a form of communication.

Knowing that someone just wants to know about them, rather than what they can do for that person, could make that person’s life so much happier. 

3. Meet in-person

Society is in a loneliness epidemic, we are social creatures and still need in-person face to face interaction, no matter how much social media tries to make us think we don’t. In one of my previous blog posts (We’re all lonely people) I pointed out that 15% of British people say they have no close friends and 28% say they have no friends at all. 

People are feeling lonely, even people who have friends. There are benefits to seeing your friends face to face to just spend time together, no transactions involved! 

Some of the benefits include:

• Prevents misunderstanding in communication. 

• Picking up on what they are really thinking by being able to see their non-verbal cues.

• Having deeper conversations.

• Builds respect because you are both taking the time to spend time with each other, for no transactional gain.

• Develops a strong bond.

4. Be open with trusted friends

Being open and vulnerable with trusted friends, and them with you, is key to moving past transactional surface level friendships. Sharing important and intimate parts of your life helps you both navigate seasons in your life together, in particular hard seasons. You know you have support and they know they have support in you.

Notice I said trusted because not all your friends and associates should get access to your vulnerability, only your most trusted friends should have access to this. This doesn’t mean that we can’t be intentional with friends that we like but don’t fully trust, we certainly can, we just don’t give them our full vulnerability and full access to our lives, this is so we are not let down by them when they abuse our full access and vulnerability. 

5. Don’t use manipulation

Please don’t use guilt, charm or playing the victim to get transactions from your friends. 

Please don’t constantly spend all your time with them putting others down in order to manipulate your friend into thinking bad about these people, with the sole purpose to meet your personal needs. 

Please don’t neglect your friends until you need something from them.  

Lots of people can see if a friend is trying to manipulate them from a mile off and they will either reduce contact with you or cut you off completely. 

6. Don't corrupt them

True friends don’t corrupt each other, they help each other to be the best version of themselves that they can be. Friends who are all followers of Christ, can’t have their friendships based around sinful activities. If you are in Christ then you should already know what these are so I’m not going to list them all. If you identify as a Christian and you don’t know what Jesus said are sinful thoughts, which can lead to sinful activities, then read this . 

One sinful activity that I will mention is gossiping. Friends, who are in Christ, shouldn’t be spending all their time together gossiping about other people. Nothing good will come from it. It also creates division, which could eventually affect the friendship, if that friend then starts gossiping about you!

Time together should be uplifting and not leading each other towards the arms of Satan.

“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28)

7. Have a relationship with God

Finally in order for us to be the friend that God wants us to be, we first have to have a relationship with God. Through developing a relationship with God the Father, through Jesus Christ, we receive the Holy Spirit. Through this relationship, we will get guidance from the Holy Spirit on how to be the intentional friend God designed us to be. 

We get our relationship with God and receive the Holy Spirit, through Jesus Christ alone. You cannot get it any other way. You only get access to God by believing and confessing that Jesus is your Lord and saviour and repenting of all your sins. Repenting means telling God the Father, through Jesus, all your bad habits and sinful behaviours/actions and then telling God that you are turning away from all these bad habits and sinful behaviour, big and small.

You then develop your relationship with God through reading the Bible and praying. Not just praying for things you want but asking God to guide you in the way He wants you to live. Through listening to God in our prayers and following what He says, you will start to be the intentional true friend to others. If your life is full of transactional friends then God will guide you to find intentional true friends.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Proverbs 17:17)

If you are a transactional friend

Please take the time to reflect on your behaviour and patterns. Then take it to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show you areas where you need to be an intentional friend rather than a transactional friend. Then ask the Lord to guide you to be the true friend people are waiting for you to be. 

If you continue to be a transactional friend then people will stop tolerating it and the transactions you want will stop; and before you know it when you really need someone, you will look around and no one will be there.

“If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10)

The year of intentional friendships

So let us go into the new year and the rest of 2026 praying and seeking intentional friendships. Where we can go through the good and the bad together and importantly just enjoy each other’s company, even if either person has nothing to give.

I then pray that you and your true intentional friends have fun together making memories!