Wanna hear a joke? (Part 2)

In the last post “Wanna hear a joke (part 1)” we explored all that is narcissism, what it really is, how it develops and how they manipulate. So by now you could be in either the “I never knew all this” camp or the “Oh my gosh (insert the name of your toxic person) acts like a narcissist!, what do I do?!” camp.

Well part 2 will explain how to deal with them and how to protect your mind, body and soul from them. So grab your tea or coffee, get comfy and lets get started.

How to deal with them

People find when dealing with narcissists that nothing works and it can be frustrating at the least and traumatising at its worst. Psychology professionals say there are two ways to deal with them: 

No contact

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not. Simply put, going no contact is the best way to deal with them. This is because they don’t self-reflect or see the need to change. Therefore as long as you are around, the manipulation, criticism, abuse and trauma bonding will continue. So for your mental health, you may have to not be around them at all and not communicate with them.

Grey rock

If you feel that you can’t go no contact yet because you share child custody with them, or you work with them, or you are not ready to go no contact with a close family member, then the other option is to use the grey rock method. The method involves you becoming really uninteresting to a narcissist. This means talking about mundane generic topics and not your personal life or any secrets. Only tell them things that you would happily tell a random person at the bus stop. 

You stop reacting and responding in the way that they are used to, you still react and respond but it is so bland and short, that it comes across as unresponsive. We are talking about one word answers. Your reactions have no emotions to it. You become emotionally flat and drop the emotionally charged voice. You do all this as much as possible. You are basically acting like a boring grey rock on the floor, hence the name of the method. The plan is that the narcissist will lose interest and stop speaking to you because they can’t get the drama or emotional reaction from you. They can’t get your attention anymore. 

A word of warning though, that grey rocking is meant to be used as a short term fix, it can be mentally exhausting for you doing this for many years. Also, narcissists can play the long game so they may break you at some point and get you to react emotionally and then they have you where they want you. So be mindful that at some point you may have to go no contact with the narcissist. 

How to deal with them biblically

You’ve heard how the psychology world says how to deal with narcissists. Now lets get some advice from, in my opinion, the world’s best self help book, the Bible.

Set boundaries

I also run a creating healthy boundaries workshop for women, where I teach that if you can’t go no contact, then you will need to set firm boundaries. This healthy boundaries can include but are not limited to:

• Limiting contact with the narcissist. If you feel that you have to see them then limit it to key events like a birthday party or the Christmas period. If you have children with them but are no longer together, then limit face to face contact to just children pick up and collection times. Anything outside of that can be communicated via text messages. The really important thing here is that communication needs to only be about the children, nothing else. This information also needs to be purely fact based, school updates, pick up/collection times etc. No emotional messages.

• Only seeing them when other people are present. They may want to keep up their fake persona around others. Plus there will be witnesses.

• Not accepting gifts from them. This prevents you re-entering the love bombing stage again.

• Not lending them things or giving them money. This prevents manipulation and also stops them having access to you face to face because they have to return the thing they borrowed from you. They may not have even needed it, it was just a way to get access to you again.

• Setting emotional boundaries. Similar to grey rocking. You decide that you won’t take part in certain problematic conversations, so they can’t accuse you of anything or drag you into any of their drama. If you feel you can’t directly say this to them yet, then just decide this internally and act on by not saying anything to participate in these types of conversations. 

“On hearing this, Pilate asked if the man was a Galilean. When he learned that Jesus was under Herod’s jurisdiction, he sent him to Herod, who was also in Jerusalem at that time. When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased, because for a long time he had been wanting to see him. From what he had heard about him, he hoped to see him perform a sign of some sort. He plied him with many questions, but Jesus gave him no answer” - Luke 23:9

Jesus also showed his boundaries when He often withdrew from hostile crowds and those plotting against Him.

“After this, Jesus went around in Galilee. He did not want to go about in Judea because the Jewish leaders there were looking for a way to kill him” -  John 7:1

If you are a follower of Jesus then you need to take example from your Lord and set firm healthy boundaries.

Do not engage

The Bible warns us about trying to correct a mocker, which is something that a narcissist can be. They criticise and mock you. The Bible says don’t bother trying to make them see your point of view or trying to change them, it won’t work and will only lead in you getting hurt, emotionally or physically.

“Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return. Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt. So don’t bother correcting mockers; they will only hate you. But correct the wise, and they will love you” - Proverbs 9:7-8

Remove yourself

Again if you can’t go no contact, then if you can remove yourself, even if temporary, from the narcissistic person when they start playing their mind games on you. Do this for your emotional wellbeing and in some cases for your safety. Again looking to Jesus Christ, He explained to his disciples and also demonstrated when and how to remove yourself from a toxic situation:

[Jesus Christ said] “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” - Matthew 10:14

“All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff.  But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way” - Luke 4:28-30

Leave an abusive marriage

You may be in a marriage to a narcissist who uses religion as a weapon against you. They may misuse scripture to control you and keep you in an abusive marriage. The Bible gives two reasons for divorce. These are adultery (whether they are a believer in Christ or not) and abandonment from an unbeliever. 

An abusive spouse has abandoned the marriage, it is known as “constructive abandonment” because by abusing their spouse, the narcissist has abandoned the covenant they made with their spouse to love them and provide safety. If you are in this situation you may be thinking “well my spouse is a believer so I can’t leave and divorce them for abandonment”. Well you have to ask how can your spouse be a believer if they are choosing to go against God’s word by constantly abusing you, constantly causing you emotional or physical pain, constantly neglecting you and constantly neglecting their marital responsibilities. All these are signs of them abandoning the marriage. They are refusing to live in peace with you. All this shows that they are acting like an unbeliever. Many theologians argue this behaviour and actions are valid grounds for divorcing an abuser who says they are a "believer", under what the Bible states as abandonment from an unbeliever.

“But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace” - 1 Corinthians 7:15

Trust God for justice

“For the wicked will be destroyed,  but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land” - Psalms 37:9

It can be really tempting to want to get revenge on the narcissist who hurt you. You want them to feel how you feel. However, God says clearly in the Bible that vengeance is His, not ours. People who constantly do actions that God hates, will receive God vengeance at some point, whether it is in this life or the next. This is because God is a just God and he has to bring justice. 

“I will take revenge; I will pay them back. In due time their feet will slip.Their day of disaster will arrive, and their destiny will overtake them”  - Deuteronomy 32:35

“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord”  - Romans 12:19

Armour of God

“Put on all of God’s armour so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places” - Ephesians 6:11-12

Narcissists all act in the same patterns, so I think there has to be something spiritual behind it. Satan is a legalist who is obsessed with following rules and routines. This is why the Bible shows Satan knowing scripture better than a lot of self proclaimed Christians (I said, what I said!). Satan knows scripture well, not because he respects it, no it's because he needs to know what he is and isn’t allowed to do within the rules of God’s Word. Remember Satan is an angel gone bad who used to be called Lucifer. So even though he now is the ruler of demons, he still has to follow God’s rules even though he hates God.

Now if Satan does this, then his demons (aka ungodly spirits), who were the angels who got kicked out of heaven with Satan, will do the same because they are commanded to by their god, Satan. They will operate within the tight rules and patterns that they are confined to.

These ungodly spirits also need a host to operate, which is a human body. Even though the demons know God's rules they also know God the Father has given Jesus Christ authority over demons and when He commands them, they must obey. They know that most humans in the world don't know this. Therefore, demons being crafty liars, convince their hosts, the humans, to break the rules instead, to go against God and sin; and because God gave humans free will, these humans will listen to the demons lies, act on it and break the rules of God's Word. Therefore it is not surprising that very toxic people from all over the world, all operate in the same way, like they have a manual to toxicity that they pass around or they are being controlled by the same thing. 

"As Jesus was climbing out of the boat, a man who was possessed by demons came out to meet him [...] As soon as he saw Jesus, he shrieked and fell down in front of him. Then he screamed, “Why are you interfering with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Please, I beg you, don’t torture me!” For Jesus had already commanded the evil spirit to come out of him. This spirit had often taken control of the man. Even when he was placed under guard and put in chains and shackles, he simply broke them and rushed out into the wilderness, completely under the demon’s power. Jesus demanded, “What is your name?”. “Legion,” he replied, for he was filled with many demons. The demons kept begging Jesus not to send them into the bottomless pit. There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding on the hillside nearby, and the demons begged him to let them enter into the pigs. So Jesus gave them permission" - Luke 8:27-32

As a result, you need to put on your armour of God, to activate your spiritual protection, from the lies Satan will tell you about yourself. Satan will use the narcissist to tell you these lies. You activate this spiritual protection in your prayers by asking God to put the armour of God on you. The armour of God is described in Ephesians 6.

As you name each part of the armour in your prayers, visualise yourself putting each part on.

I’ve memorised each part of the armour, so I can visualise putting it on anytime of the day or when I’m in a situation when I feel I need spiritual protection. The more you pray it, the more you’ll remember it. 

“Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” - Ephesians 6:13-17

Pray for your protection and pray for them!

Everyday you need to pray to the Father, in Jesus Christ’s name, for your protection from the narcissist.

“But here is what I tell you. Love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you” - Matthew 5:44

Also, as hard as it may be you also have to pray for the narcissist. I know! I know! But we have to pray for our enemies. You pray that they encounter Jesus Christ. 

You also pray that they get delivered and repent. Delivered means that, if they accept and confess Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour, Jesus then cleanses them from the inside and removes their urge to hold on to things, thoughts and habits that aren’t good for them or make them sin.

Deliverance also removes ungodly spirits that are oppressing or possessing a person. Deliverance isn’t all about throwing yourself around and screaming, don’t let the social media videos confuse you! Deliverance isn't just for narcissists or very toxic people either, any Christian can go through deliverance and be delivered. Most people who have been delivered never experience the rolling around and screaming, myself included. Deliverance will naturally make the narcissist want to confess and repent for all their sins to God, including the pain and hurt they have caused you. So they finally stop hurting you or others.

Remember it is not your job to change someone, especially a narcissist. The narcissist has to decide to take the steps to make the change by:

1. Becoming self aware.

2. Truly accepting and surrendering to God, who is The Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. This has to include confessing their sins to God. Renouncing sinful past acts to allow God to deliver them from the hold of ungodly spirits affecting their thoughts and actions. Also they need to repent of their sins and bad habits, which means they are asking God for forgiveness and telling God they are turning away from their narcissistic ways.

3. Fully engaging with psychotherapy. 

One last thing

No matter what negative lies a narcissist or toxic person has ever said to you, or will say to you, always remember that the Lord loves you, He always has and He always will. 

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness” - Jeremiah 31:3