So I’m the villain now… good!

Picture this, you are in a family that’s so toxic that it’s unreal. There is gossiping, “Did you hear how Michael got the money for his BMW?”. There’s secrets upon secrets, you know the saying “what happens in this family stays in this family”. There is manipulation “since he got that girlfriend he doesn’t want to be around us anymore, it’s all her fault!”. Then there’s controlling behaviour “I don’t care if you have plans, you need to be here at 7pm!”. You name it, if it’s problematic then it is happening in this family. The same can happen in friendship groups, with the same problematic trends. 

If you love the dynamics of getting in on the latest gossip or even starting the gossip. Then you’ll be fine. It will feel like a bonding session between you all. If you are happy to take part in their fun but maladaptive behaviours then you’ll be the source of entertainment, the life of the party, they will say something like “did you see what they were doing when they were drunk, that was so funny”. If you are fine being the people pleaser so you can keep the peace, then they will love you because they can get you to do whatever they want, when they want. If you turn a blind eye to the toxicity, the injustice, the blatant discrimination or abuse because “it’s not happening to me”, then you will be loved because you are showing loyalty to perpetrators. 

Villains

In every aspect of life you have the “heroes” and the “villains” and conforming to the above weirdly makes you a hero in their eyes. 

However, if you dare to not conform to the toxic traits of your family or friends, then be sure that the tables will turn and you will become the villain. Have you found that this has happened to you? You conformed and played ball and you were liked but boy did it make you miserable. However, now you don’t conform to their toxic traits, you are the villain. Why? Because you set boundaries, so yeah you’re the villain now. You stopped asking for permission to live your life, so you’re the villain now. You stopped accepting toxic behaviour, so you’re the villain now. You stopped gossiping, so yeah you’re the villain now. You stand up to injustice, even when it doesn’t directly affect you, you aren’t continuing the silence, so yeah you’re the villain now. You are not complicit in their drama, oh you are the villain now. They realised that they can’t manipulate you, oh boy! You’re the villain now!

The definition of villain in the Cambridge dictionary is a bad person who harms other people or breaks the law. Now, what I’ve described above doesn’t tie in with the true definition of a villain does it?

The thing is that people don’t want others to hold a mirror up to them and show them just how toxic their behaviour is. People who are doing good in the world, not being cruel but have chosen to not confirm to toxicity are doing just that. They are holding a metaphorical mirror up to their problematic friends or family members. They aren’t “fun” anymore, they can’t be manipulated and controlled anymore and therefore they are now the villain.  

The man with two names

There is an example of someone who went from the “hero” to the “villain”. This person is Paul in the Bible. Paul had two legal names that were Saul and Paul. This was normal for people who were Jewish and also had Roman citizenship like Paul did. Paul spent the first part of his life going by the name Saul. Saul had a good life but he wasn’t nice at all. He hated Christians and went around hurting and persecuting Christians. He was eager to kill people who were suddenly following Jesus Christ (Acts 9:1). Most likely to the masses, who weren’t following Jesus, Saul wasn't a villain at all. To them he was a pharisee who was trying to preserve his religion, even if that brought trauma to followers of Jesus, who were just trying to live peaceful lives.

“And the voice replied, “I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting! Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do” - Acts 9:5-6

When Saul was in his thirties, Jesus came to him in a vision while he was out with his companions. Jesus blinded Saul and his companions had to walk him back to Damascus. After three days of blindness and no food or drink, the Lord sent a believer called Ananias to go to Saul. The Lord told Ananias to lay hands on Saul to give him his vision back and to give him the Holy Spirit. Ananias was scared to do this because he had heard of all the terrible things Saul had done to Christians. Ananias also knew that Saul had authority from the high priests to arrest Christians. God told Ananias His plan for Saul to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to non Jewish people in other countries, as well as people in Israel.  

““But Lord,” exclaimed Ananias, “I’ve heard many people talk about the terrible things this man has done to the believers in Jerusalem! And he is authorized by the leading priests to arrest everyone who calls upon your name.” - Acts 9:13-14

So Ananias obeyed God and went to Saul, laid hands on him and explained that Jesus had filled Saul with the Holy Spirit. Instantly, Saul’s blindness went. He then went by his second name Paul and he went and got baptised. Then he went out and started preaching about Jesus. 

Now you would think that Paul would finally be seen as a justified “hero”. No, this didn’t happen. Paul went from the “hero” to the “villain”. Even though he stopped being eager to kill Christians and was preaching Jesus’ teachings of repentance, love, forgiveness, peace and defending  marginalised people, which are all nice positive things the last time I checked, Paul actually became the villain to the same people who had seen him as a hero type figure. 

Defending the marginalised

Paul defending marginalised people made him a “villain”. An example is when Paul rebuked Peter for his discrimination against the gentles when he didn’t want to eat with them. Paul being led by the Holy Spirit protected a group of people who were a different race to him. Paul was Jewish so he wasn’t being discriminated against, so it wasn’t affecting him. However, the Holy Spirit was grieved because the Holy Spirit protects the marginalised, so Paul, who now had the Holy Spirit, rightfully felt the need to correct Peter for his actions and views. The result? Well Paul’s friend Barnabas sided with Peter. Paul never stated if he had victory in defending the gentiles. Even author L. Michael White stated that Paul confronting Peter was a total failure with Paul leaving Antioch and never returning again.

“But when Peter came to Antioch, I had to oppose him to his face, for what he did was very wrong” - Galatians 2:11

Not tolerating toxicity

Paul also choosing not to have toxic behaviour around him made him a “villain”. An example is when Paul cast out the demon from a girl. This slave girl had a demon in her that allowed her to tell the future, a familiar spirit. Her masters used her to make a lot of money doing fortune telling. This girl followed Paul around for days. While she was following him around the demon in her kept shouting at Paul. After days of this Paul got disgusted by this because this demon was disturbing his peace. So, Paul commanded the demon to leave the girl in the name of Jesus and the demon left the girl immediately. 

“This went on day after day until Paul got so exasperated that he turned and said to the demon within her, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.” And instantly it left her” - Acts 16:18

Now you would have thought that everyone would be happy, the girl was finally free from being tormented by a demon, and that Paul was heroic for doing that. Well no, the opposite happened and again Paul was the villain. The girl’s masters realised that without the demon in the girl, they wouldn’t make their money from her doing fortune telling. The girl was now useless to them. So they grabbed Paul and took him to the authorities who put him in prison.

“Her masters’ hopes of wealth were now shattered, so they grabbed Paul and Silas and dragged them before the authorities at the marketplace” - Acts 16:19

Paul didn’t have to do any of these things. It would have been easier not to. He wouldn’t have been disliked if he had just kept quiet to keep the peace for others. However, seeing how Peter was acting towards the gentiles and the demon in the girl constantly in his surroundings weren’t keeping Paul’s peace. Paul doing God’s will and having the Holy Spirit meant that he had to act in a righteous way, even if that meant he was a villain to the world. 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” - Romans 12:2

Not conforming

So if you have inner peace, firm boundaries, you are not being mean or manipulative to anyone and make decisions that align with your Christian faith and you find that it really annoys certain people you know. Then all that means is like other problematic people in the world, they see you as the villain. Give yourself a pat on the back because it means you are doing the right thing. 

Jesus said if we follow Him, we have to go down the narrow path because the wide gates lead to destruction (Matthew 7:13). This means there aren’t many people on the narrow path with you. Therefore, the majority of people who are on the wide path won’t understand you not conforming and acting like them. If toxic people genuinely like you then be worried because that probably means you are acting like them!

 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you” - John 15:18-19

How to be the “villain”

If after reading this you are thinking I’m sick of being involved in toxic behaviour, I’m sick of being a people pleaser, I’m tired of gossiping, I’m tired of being manipulated. You now want to know how to get into your “villain” era. Well this is how you do it:

• Set clear boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries is not a bad thing. The Bible clearly shows Jesus having boundaries with people. It’s important to set boundaries on your time, where you go and how long you stay for, what you are willing to talk about, and your energy. Having boundaries allows you to set clear guidelines on what people can expect and also prevents you burning out.

• Remember that “No” is a complete sentence: Part of the process of setting boundaries is learning how to say no and understanding that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. If for example, you genuinely haven’t got time to do something or doing the thing goes against your morals then you can say no and if people truly care about you then they will accept it. This will also help if you have an issue with people pleasing.

• Stop gossiping: Gossiping feeds into toxic behaviour. If you are constantly talking about people's personal lives to other people. If you tell people rumours about someone else then that’s gossiping. If someone confides in you about something and you repeat it verbatim to others then that’s gossiping. 

  
  

  Now if someone tells you something and you not telling someone else will be detrimental to their them, others or a space, then that’s not gossiping. You have a duty to protect and safeguard people and places. I’m talking about knowing that someone is harming people, physically, emotionally, mentally and not telling the relevant person who could help. It’s knowing that someone is a victim of sexual, racial or financial abuse and not telling the relevant people in authority. 

  
  

  Also gossiping is different to venting. Venting is centering the conversation on yourself with a trusted person. This can be healthy to release the tension that has built up. However, gossiping is centering the conversation on another person based on what you’ve “heard” about them. 

• Re-evaluate relationships: Take a look at the relationships in your life, whether it is family, friends or your spouse. Evaluate if they are toxic and if so, then decide to step back from them.

• Be Authentic: Being nice and kind are two different things. Being nice is telling people what they want to hear, basically being a people pleaser. Being kind is telling people what they need to hear, without being mean to them. When we are kind we are being our authentic self because we are being honest about what we really think.

• Find your identity in Christ: God knew exactly what He was doing when He created you. He created your true identity. However, life happens and trauma, as well as toxic people, can make us harden or doubt our true potential. Strongholds develop and we find our identity in someone or something else. 

  
  

  God the Father never wanted us to have our true identity to be altered by trauma and strongholds because He loves us. God loves you. However, sin entered the world and with that Satan brings trauma and toxic people in our lives. This is why The Father sent His Son Jesus who is sinless. Jesus died for all our sins when He didn’t have to because that was the only way to defeat Satan. This is because the result of sin for all is death (Romans 6:23), we have to die. Jesus dying for all our sins on the cross and coming back to life defeated Satan once and for all because the sins Jesus took on didn’t make him die forever. As a result believers in Christ, also won't be dead for ever, they will have a new body and eternal life when Jesus returns. Satan knows that he is defeated and his reign of earth will come to a total end at some point. 

  
  

  Satan hates humans, which is why he is trying to take as many people with him as he can when he is thrown into the lake of fire and destroyed. Similar to the phrase “If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me”. 

  
  

  Jesus said that no one gets access to God the Father, without accepting Jesus as their Lord and saviour (John 14:6). Therefore Satan knows that people who reject Christ can't have access to the Father and therefore he knows he will be taking them to be thrown into the lake of fire with him when Jesus returns. 

“Then the devil, who had deceived them, was thrown into the fiery lake of burning sulfur, joining the beast and the false prophet. There they will be tormented day and night forever and ever [...]  I saw the dead, both great and small, standing before God’s throne. And the books were opened, including the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to what they had done, as recorded in the books [...] Then death and the grave were thrown into the lake of fire. This lake of fire is the second death. And anyone whose name was not found recorded in the Book of Life was thrown into the lake of fire” - Revelation 20:10, 12, 14-15

Because Jesus has defeated Satan, believers in Jesus Christ (God the Son), who regularly repent of our sins, get freedom in Christ, which means freedom from Satan because Jesus places a spiritual covering over us. Through a process called sanctification you will start to become the person God created you to be with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

The Triune God wants you to have boundaries, to not accept abuse, to not sin, which includes gossiping, to stand up to social injustice, to not be controlled by people or only seek the approval of people. By following what God says in the Bible will develop your self esteem and your self respect because you know you only need God's approval. With God’s approval you are prepared to leave problematic people and toxic spaces when you need to. Their manipulation or guilt tripping can't keep you trapped because you are not desperately seeking approval from others. You will then find your people, people who aren’t toxic or manipulative. They'll like and respect you for being you and not by what you can do for them.

Remember it is not about being evil, mean or cruel, it’s about putting things into action so you can find inner peace and show your true personality, the one that God created.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15-13

Doing all this will make you the villain to Satan and the toxic people who choose to follow Satan’s sinful nature, whether they realise they are being influenced by Satan or not. So, for me if having boundaries, trying not to sin, not being mean, standing up for injustice and protecting the marginalised and the vulnerable pleases God but makes me the villain to Satan and these people, then good I can live with that!