I know why you are here

When are you arranging the next meet up? Can you do me a favour? I need you to tell me what I should do about this? I need your prayers. You have probably heard these sentences from friends and family, which are generally the usual questions and statements we hear from them, nothing wrong with that. However, the issue is when the only time you hear from them is when they are asking questions like this. Some people are only around you because they want the things they can get from you but they don’t want you.

A large crowd of 5000 people followed Jesus around because they saw Jesus heal the sick. When Jesus realised that the crowd of 5000 had followed him to the far shore of the sea of Galilee, Jesus decided that He and His disciples were going to feed them all. They did feed them all, through one of Jesus’ miracles. Jesus fed them all with just five small loaves of bread and two small fish.

"Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!” Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?” Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish” - John 6:7-11

Do you know what happened next? The next day the crowd got on to boats and travelled to Capernaum to find Jesus. When they found Jesus they asked Him “when did you get here?” (John 6:25). Now based on that question, you would naturally think, they wanted to go back to Jesus because they liked Him and the message of hope and love He told people as He travelled. No, Jesus knew exactly why they had followed Him and He felt no way in telling them that He knew. Jesus told them that He knew that they only came back because they wanted more bread from Him. They didn’t want Jesus, they just wanted His food. 

“Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.” - John 6:26-27

Now the people in the crowd were crafty, like most people in life, they didn’t outright say they came back to Jesus for more food. They initially made it seem they wanted to see Jesus again. However Jesus being the Son of God knew exactly why they were in His proximity and He knew that it wasn't for Him. Even after Jesus called them out on their true motives, Jesus still used His mercy to explain the true spiritual food they should be seeking, which was the bread of life.

“Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?”.  Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” [...]  For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”  “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.” Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.” - John 6: 28-29, 33-40

I truly believe that God the Father sent His Son, Jesus Christ, down onto earth in human form, so Jesus would feel all the emotions that God The Father’s creations feel on earth and Jesus would still choose not to sin, unlike us mere mortals. This made Jesus dying for all our sins and defeating death even more impactful. This is because Jesus knows all the emotions we feel, the feelings of rejection, abandonment, anger, sadness etc and still didn’t react with sinful actions because He knew how much The Father loves the world and His children and Jesus only does what The Father wants. 

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life”. - John 3:16

I resonate with what Jesus went through with the people only returning to Him for the food. I think Jesus deliberately went through this so people, reading the Bible thousands of years later, would know that Jesus knows how they feel deep inside. That Jesus knows how they feel when they are hit with the realisation that people are using them for something they have.   

My experience 

All my life because of my personality I’m usually the one who reaches out to people and organises meet ups or events, I'm a natural planner. There was a point in my life that most people I knew only went to a party or barbecue because I had organised it. It became expected that we would throw a party of some sort. I had a big wake up call years ago when someone at one of our parties wanted to take photos and I wasn't quite ready for the photo. I'm talking I wasn’t ready by seconds, not half an hour. The person said in front of everyone, “it doesn't matter, no one is here for you anyway”. Also, to top it off someone else laughed at this comment... at my own party that we had paid a lot of money to put on. I had the realisation that was similar to Jesus’ with the crowd and it was that this person didn’t even like me, they just wanted my food, music, entertainment and a place to socialise with the other people that I knew. 

At that point, I decided this wasn't going to happen again, no more big parties with people who don't care about me and my family but use it as a free social gathering at my financial expense. Well actually there were no parties at all for many years, big or small. I have been told that there is no grey area with me. I guess it’s true!

You know what happened during this time of no parties? I’ll let you guess. If you guessed that the majority of people, who came to these parties, checked in and asked if they could visit to catch up, then you guessed wrong. If you guessed that the majority of people, who came to these parties, asked if they could visit on our birthdays to bring a card, even if we had nothing big planned that day, then again you are wrong. If you guessed that the majority of people, who came to these parties, sent a text message to just see how we were, then yet again you guessed wrong.

What actually happened was some people would “check in” to see what party was happening for that particular birthday and then I’d not see or hear from them when they realised nothing was happening. Some people had the audacity to accuse us of having parties and being mad at me for not inviting them! If you are one of those people, secretly reading this blog, then just know there were no parties during that time, there were some really tough times for me, which you would've known about if you had cared about me as much as the parties, but sorry no parties.  

Now you would think the rejection I experienced at my own party was the first time this happened to me. No this wasn’t the first time this had happened to me, it was in fact the second! (Just to point out that I wasn't a Christian at these points, The Father clearly still wanted to ride it out for a bit before He decided yeah this woman really needs Jesus now. During these times, I didn’t know Jesus, I was a chronic people pleaser and quite frankly an idiot when it came to letting the wrong people into my life. Jesus really did come along and wipe away my bad habits, which included bending over backwards for people who didn't like me). 

Also while we are here, I’m also fully aware that my party anecdote sounds like it comes straight from an early 00’s teen movie about the nerdy girl who suddenly becomes pretty, gets the attention of the hot football jock and gets severely embarrassed by the ring leader of the popular group at the homecoming party. However no, it really happened, it's just my life at times has been like a movie, whether that’s a comedy, rom-com, thriller or straight horror!

Anyway the first time this happened was overhearing someone I considered a friend whisper to another friend “don't leave me here!” when the friend announced they were leaving my gathering. The person who whispered it had just arrived, so they clearly hadn’t come to my party to see me. You would’ve thought that I would’ve learnt my lesson from that experience!

So now fast forward to 2026 and God has softened my heart, over the years, to organise gatherings and meet ups again but thank the Lord that He has now given me discernment, to only do small ones with people who truly care about me. So how have I got to this stage? So for years now, I’ve done a little experiment, every now and then to see who is really for me. Like I said, I reach out to people a lot, that’s naturally me. So I stop reaching out for a bit and I see who reaches out to me to see how I am or if I'm still alive. For those who notice my absence and reach out to me, I then know they care about me and the relationship continues. For some people, I'm still waiting four years later…

Desertion 

“Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me.  This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum. On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?” - John 6:57-60

So what happened to Jesus when He didn't perform another miracle for the crowd, when they came back to Him the following day? Well they actually deserted him, they turned and walked away because in their head they didn't want Jesus, they only wanted the physical items he could give them, the bread and fish.

Like these people deserted Jesus, I’ve noticed that some people stop reaching out to me unless they want something. You may notice this with people in your life too. 

“Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you- they are full of the Spirit and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.” From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve” - John 6:61-67

Not just material items

This doesn't only have to be withholding physical items that can make "friends" and relatives desert you. For my fellow Christians this can be people using you for your spiritual God given gifts. It's not lost on me the church goers who love my intercession prayers, the preaching and serving but don't actually care about me as a person. They just care about what they can get from me spiritually. When I remove access to those gifts, by removing my proximity, by not being around those people or not being in that church for a particular period, for whatever reason, thus removing the gifts I bring, then it's crickets from some people I thought I had built friendships, fellowship or at least acquaintanceship with. To be honest, even if I'm in their proximity but just as me, not giving them anything then I’m still invisible to these particular people!

It’s a good job we follow Christ and not His followers, otherwise I think a lot of people would’ve given up on Christianity based on how they have been treated by people they have encountered in churches, as well as the Christians in their lives who they know attend a church. Sadly some people have left the faith purely because of the bad experiences they have had from people in their church, who they had hoped to form friendships with.

Also on another note, my fellow church people, churches aren’t gangs, if someone decides to move to another church, you are allowed to still be friends with them! I’ve heard too many stories and have experienced it myself in the past, where “friendships” have dissolved because one person decided to change churches! I'm sure Jesus said “where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am with them” not “I’m only with people who go to [insert your church’s name] so if they move to another church, you have my permission to never speak to them again”. 

By the crowd deserting Jesus, due to their greed and selfishness they missed out on the greatest gift that Jesus could've given them, which was inner peace in this current life and eternal life on the renewed earth. 

If you resonate with this, then people who only reach out to get something from you are missing out on a great gift too of having a really good friendship with you.

Finding your people

I actually don't regret the experiences I’ve had because it has helped me find out who my true friends and authentic relatives are. I really treasure those relationships because I know that if I woke up tomorrow and could no longer organise fun events to entertain them, I couldn't pray for them or I couldn't give them advice on their latest life issue, then I know they would still be there for me because they like me for me and not what they can get from me.

If you feel fed up because there are friends and family members who just use you for what you can do for them or what they can get from you. Then do what Jesus did when he stopped giving the group bread through miracles and stop giving them parts of you that they want to use and see what happens. You will see who sticks around and who turns their backs to you. You will then see who really likes you for you, who is really there for you, rather than what they get from being around you. The true authentic people won't desert you, they will still reach out to you because they aren't in it for what they can get, they actually care about you.

Now I haven't suddenly become nonchalant about people trying to use me, to the point that when I spot it, I can shut it down, quickly move on and refocus on the people who are for me. This has been years in the making, it used to really affect me. My faith and reading the Bible has really helped me to build up resilience around this issue. Looking back, I can see that God revealed people's true intentions to protect me because God hears what people say in rooms when I'm not there. God still does this with me now and I’m so grateful for this. God also continues to bring people into my life that are authentic, who genuinely care about me and reach out to me.

I still have love for everyone but now only the authentic people, who truly care about me when I have nothing to offer, have full access to me. 

“As iron sharpen iron, so a person sharpens his friend” - Proverbs 27:17

So if you feel that you will struggle to find your true people, who want you in their life for just being you rather than what you can give them. Then don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to evaluate your current friendships and family dynamics. Also give yourself time to get out there and meet new friends who will like you for you. This will happen when you stop pouring into the people too much and too early into the friendship. Let them get to know you first rather than what you can give them. This will allow for there to be an equal amount of pouring into each other and with that a true friendship will grow.

If you have people in your life, who don't meet you half way, only talk to you if you reach out to them or they use you for what you have. Then have a serious think if these are the people who you want to have full access to you. Then ask God for guidance about it. Out of the many people Jesus had in his life, He knew the three people who were truly there for Him and not just for the miracles, the healing and the food. They were John, Peter and James. These were the three friends that had access to all of Jesus, even when He was in His most vulnerable state. So, use Jesus’ approach as the benchmark of how you approach friendships. Finally remember man's rejection is God's protection for you.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God” - Romans 8:28