Is this love, lust or something else?

There was a woman called Alex and she met a guy called Jordan at her badminton club. He was friendly and good at small talk. As the weeks went on Alex found herself thinking about Jordan more and more, she didn’t actually find him physically attractive and she didn’t even speak to him that much but there was something that made her think about him a lot. Even when she was shattered from a busy week travelling for work and didn’t feel like going to badminton, Alex would still go just in case Jordan was there.  If he didn’t come to badminton, it would ruin the rest of her day and she would be snappy with everyone. 

During one session, Jordan didn’t acknowledge Alex that much but only because it was a busy full on session. However, this made Alex feel so down and she sadly felt a bit worthless, it even affected her appetite. However, at the next session, as the group were waiting to start, Jordan told Alex about the new dog he had got, this conversation really made Alex happy and she replayed the conversation in her head for the rest of the day.

So is this love, lust or something else?

If you haven’t figured out yet by reading this blog, then let me tell you I LOVE learning, and once I find out about a theory or idea, I will most likely go down a rabbit hole learning about it. This happened when I found out about the word limerence over a year ago. I had obviously heard of love, I had heard of lust but limerence, now that was a new one. I hadn’t heard of it before and then when I found out what it meant I became fascinated by it.

Limerence

In a nutshell, according to Psychology Today, limerence is the involuntary obsession with another person. When someone experiences limerence it can include an obsession of thinking about the other person, a longing for the desire to be reciprocated and only seeing the other person’s attributes in a positive light but to the point where it becomes irrational. Limerence makes the person mentally focus on a passionate yet anxious desire. It makes the person feel ecstatic but they also feel agony when the feelings aren’t shown back.

Limerence is different from love and even lust. This is because with love the person knows the object of their affection loves them back. With lust they know the person fancies them back. With limerence the person, who is experiencing limerence, is always uncertain that the person they desire, who in psychology is called the “limerent desire”, actually desires them back.

An interesting (and a bit concerning) thing about the person experiencing limerence is that they don’t actually care about the well-being of the person they are obsessing over. As Psychology Today states, “it is an independent state, confined to the mind of the person experiencing it. 

Not only are they not concerned about the well-being of the person they desire, they don’t necessarily want to have sex with them. They probably don’t even want to settle down into a relationship with them, with the nice house, car on the drive, kids… you get what I mean. It’s the fantasy that’s exciting, not actually making it a reality. 

The stages of limerence are:

1. Infatuation: This is where the person notices the object of their desire and their positive qualities. 

2. Crystallisation: This is the stage when the person experiencing limerence has obsessive, anxious and ecstatic intensity thoughts and feelings about the other person. 

3. Deterioration: At this stage the idealisation of the person wears off. The obsessive intensity of the feelings also starts to go. 

Limerence can last for a short time but in some cases it can last a lifetime. The average time is between one and three years. Dorothy Tennov, who created the term Limerence in 1979, said limerence always ends in one of three ways. These are:

1. Consummation: The person experiencing limerence eventually finds out that the other person does have a desire for them too. They then sleep with each other or have a short romantic relationship. This has been described by psychologists as like the spell breaking and the person in the state of limerence goes on with their life. Similar to the saying “the cat that got the cream”. They just wanted to know that they could get them and make them desire them back. Once that is confirmed they lose interest in them. 

2. Starvation: The person experiencing limerence realises that they will never be able to get the person to desire them back romantically. When they realise all hope is gone then the intense feelings go. This can go one of two ways, the person in the limerence state either feels agonising sadness or they feel relief that it's over and their obsessive thoughts have gone. 

3. Transference: Some people who experience limerence do what is called transference. This is when they meet someone new and transfer all their limerence feelings from their previous person onto the new person. The obsessive thoughts, the idealisation, the emotional dependence etc all transfers to the new person. Therefore the limerence state starts all over again with the new person. 

Signs of limerence

According to the Attachment Project and Psych Central, here are some of the signs that someone is in a state of limerence:

Intrusive Thinking: These thoughts are persistent and uncontrollable, to the point that the thoughts about the other person start to interfere with their daily life. 

Idealisation: The desired person is placed on a pedestal. The person in the limerence state only focuses on the person’s positive traits and totally ignores their flaws and even more worrying, their red flags.

Emotional Dependence: If the person they desire speaks to them or shows any interests in them then they will feel a sense of extreme euphoria. They can also experience mania. However, their mood can suddenly swing to despair and anxiety if they perceive rejection from the person.

Intense Longing for Reciprocation: A need for the other person to return the same feeling. This need is all consuming.

Fear of Rejection: There is a fear of being abandoned or rejected by the person at some point. This creates high anxiety around the platonic relationship they have with them. 

Fantasising: The daydreams are detailed and often romanticised about a fantasy future with the other person. 

Obsessive Behaviours: These can include, the person in the state of limerence, constantly checking the person’s social media, re-reading texts, or creating real life scenarios so they "accidentally" bump into the person.

Physical Reactions: The person in the state of limerence experiences physical symptoms such as a pounding heart, stammering, or trembling in the other person’s presence.

Neglecting Self/Daily Life: The person in the state of limerence ignores personal needs, friendships, or work responsibilities to focus entirely on the person of their desire.

Withdrawal Symptoms: Feeling intense pain, sadness, or anxiety when separated from the person they desire.

Shyness/Insecurity: The person in the state of limerence can feel extreme self-consciousness and nervousness when around the other person.

Is limerence healthy?

Well looking at the signs that someone who experiences limerence goes through, I'm sure you can take an educated guess to answer this question. However as I always do with this blog lets look at it from a Biblical perspective.

"Do not love the world or anything in the world... For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world". 1 John 2:15-16

Desire shouldn’t make you anxious

If a person desires someone then it shouldn’t make them anxious, it should bring them joy. If they eventually find out that the person doesn’t desire them in the same way, then they should move on and find someone who desires them back. If the desire is making them anxious then it is because:

1. They have found out that the person doesn’t desire them back.

2. They are living in a fantasy and they are too anxious to find out the truth.

3. They or the person they desire are already in relationships, so they shouldn’t be desiring them anyway. 

The Bible says we shouldn’t be anxious. However, the reality is that there are things that can happen to us in life that make us really anxious. If this happens we can see therapists to help us. Believers in Christ also need to take their anxiety to prayer. God will then give us peace that we won’t be able to even understand. God the Father will also guard our hearts and mind in Jesus Christ. 

Therefore, a romantic desire that makes a person anxious is not a desire sent from God because His answer to their prayers will lead them to desire someone who brings the opposite of anxiety. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. Philippians 4:6-8 

Can’t make someone desire you

The issue with limerence is that it is one sided. Love and even lust aren’t one sided. Limerence is one sided because the person, in a state of limerence, main focus is if the other person is showing the same feelings towards them. According to Psychology Today, the obsession is limited to if the other person will show the desire back or not. This isn’t healthy and is very different to an obsessive crush because unlike an obsessive crush, the person experiencing limerence doesn’t actually want a relationship with the person or really care about their happiness. 

The Bible says we have the right to do anything but that doesn’t mean it’s good to do it or that you will even be successful. We also can’t be all consumed by the thing we are trying to do. This applies here because a person can think they have the right to make someone desire them but that doesn’t mean it’s beneficial to do this. They can’t let trying to make them desire them back take over their life because the opposite could happen.

"'You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything". 1 Corinthians 6:12 

Love is patient, limerence is rushed 

When two people are in love, even if they say it was love at first sight, their true love actually developed over time. It develops through the good and the bad times. They have developed a resilience because they have genuine love for each other, it’s a two way process, a partnership. The other person is an important part of the person’s life and they go on a journey together. As a result, the love doesn’t instantly disappear. Limerence on the other hand is the opposite, it develops fast and can end fast. The person they are obsessing over isn’t an important part of their life. They aren’t concerned for their well-being. As I previously said, they usually don’t want a relationship with them. 

What the Bible describes is the opposite of limerence. It says that love isn’t rushed, it’s patient. When you love someone there is a kindness that comes with it and you genuinely care for their happiness and well-being. 

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends". 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour”. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

How to overcome limerence

If you have read this far you may be thinking I didn't know about limerence and all this is really interesting. However, some may also be thinking “hold on I think that I go into states of limerence”. If the latter is you, then you have realised that it's more than just a crush that women can have on guys they meet. If you are thinking how do I stop this? Then you might find these tips from Psychologist Mark Travers Ph.D useful. According to Mark Travers you need to: 

1. Reframe your fears. Travers says that someone in a state of limerence needs to write down their worst-case scenario in this situation. Then they need to challenge it and think is that true, or is fear distorting reality? Travers also says that It’s also important for the person to shift their mindset in order to fight their fears. This means reminding themselves that they have plenty of opportunities to find love and then believe it.

2. Reclaim your independence. Travers says the person experiencing limerence needs to invest in themselves by going back to old passions and hobbies, building new skills, and nurturing friendships. Travers says it’s also essential that the person needs to detach their worth from the other person’s approval, confidence must come from within and not from the other person’s validation.

3. Set boundaries. Travers says that the person in a limerence state needs to catch themselves when they are over-giving in relationships. Love shouldn’t require them to abandon their needs. Travers goes on to say, at the same time, the person experiencing limerence needs to practice being respectful of the boundaries set by the person they desire. 

Trust God

I agree with the tips and techniques that Travers gives, however I have an extra one which is trust God. 

If a person has a fear of being alone or they don’t feel fulfilled in their current romantic relationship, then it can feel good to fantasise of the perfect relationship with someone who has come into their life. It can feel sudden, exciting and fun because it can give them a distraction from the realities of real life. The reality of singleness, or the reality of not feeling desired by their current boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. It could even be that they just want a distraction from the mundaneness of their life. However, the reason why it feels exciting and fun at first is because it’s not real, it is all in their head. 

As it’s all in the person's head, they are the only one who is important, not the person they desire. It is all on the terms of the person who is in the limerence state. The person they desire’s happiness and well-being is an afterthought. As long as the person who is experiencing limerence gets their rush then that’s the main thing to them. 

If the person is a believer, then none of what has been discussed in this blog post about the behaviours when in a limerence state is the “fruit of the spirit”, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law”. Galatians 5:22-23

Their obsession over a need to be desired, is a form of control. It is also telling God that they don’t trust Him to have the ultimate control over their life, including their romantic life. If they are believers then they are telling God the Father, that Christ shedding His blood on the cross to save them, wasn’t enough for them to give up control and trust God to lead them to the person who is right for them. If they fully surrender to Jesus Christ, the Father will allow them to do all things through Him, which includes finding the right person for them, or if they are already in a committed relationship, then appreciating and working on their current relationship, if it’s not a toxic and abusive one.

“For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength”. Philippians 4:13

When they trust God to lead them to find the right one for them, it will feel right because God only wants the best for them. People’s free will can make them convince themselves that a particular person is the “right one” because they are “right now”, they just happened to be in their presence. However, in the world of limerence the next Mr “right now” becomes Mr “right” and this obsessive cycle continues. This was the person’s free will deciding and not God’s will.  

The Bible says if it’s God that has brought two people together then no one else can separate them. So if God has decided they will be with their current spouse, then the “no one else separating”, includes the next Mr or Mrs “right now” who randomly enters the limerence state person’s life (even if they don’t actually realise they are the next Mr or Mrs “right” in the person’s head!).

In this situation, the key is exploring why there is a need to obsessively fantasise and have emotional dependence on someone who isn’t their spouse. Then take it to God in their prayers and ask Him to help them overcome these obsessive thoughts. Then if needed, consider attending therapy by themselves to explore these thoughts. It may also be appropriate to attend couples therapy to iron out any cracks in their relationship. They might find that having a safe place to discuss issues in their relationship makes the limerence symptoms, about the other person, go because their real life romantic relationship is healing.

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”. Mark 10:9

All this uncertainty about if someone even desires them, as well as the mood swings that are based on if they get the person’s attention, cannot be good for them mentally. If it causes mental harm and emotional hurt then it’s not from God because God has had a plan for them from before they were in their mother’s womb and the plan wouldn’t cause them harm but hope and a future. Now in terms of a relationship, this doesn't mean a false fantasy version in their head. If God has made plans for a relationship in their life, it means having a real life relationship, that leads to marriage with someone who not only desires them but loves them, is kind to them, brings them joy and respects them, leading to a future together.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Jeremiah 29:11